Pennapoka County, TN – 11:58 AM
At precisely 8:32 AM, Wanda Peters noticed a drastic change in the tune of the inner humishpere and the tweetage of her caged canary, Canardo Singerthy III.
“They’re usually both at a C or something. I don’t know, I don’t read music,” Mrs. Peters told APC News.
She was busy gardening when, suddenly, her ears pricked and the aroma of her begonias let loose the absolute choicest of scents.
“I wasn’t sure what it was at first,” she said, “but then I started tingling and I knew right away that it had to be an actor.”
It was an actor. Early this morning, the asphalt of our very own Springdale Airport was touched by the rubber soles of Actor Devon Hambrone–Me, You, and Her (2005), Beer Goggles 3: Acid Based (2007), ‘Til Seth do us Part (2009), Giggle-Toots (2011). The airport soon gave way to orderly chaos and utter exasperation. Women fainted and grown men in business suits channeled the screaming of their crazed twelve year-old daughters and nieces.
Lucas Perkins, a mile away, recounts his experience:
“Last night I dreamed that an angel played by an actor told me that an actor would be joining us here in Springdale. It’s so beautiful and refreshing to have someone that can pretend to be another person here in our presence. The force this morning was very powerful. When I woke up, before I pulled myself out of the wall, I saw the image of Devon Hambrone and I felt at peace, despite that parts of the television were inside my leg.”
Lucas is scheduled to be release from the hospital Wednesday.
Six year old Harper Washington also had a premonition:
“Yesterday I saw Devon Hambrone’s face in the cheese on my breakfast potatoes. And then I ate my breakfast potatoes and I haven’t eaten lunch or supper or breakfast again or lunch again, because I’m still full. I’m not even hungry.”
Attempts to speak with Devon have, to this point, been flouted by bodyguards and that ancient Egyptian force field set to protect the ARMKA (Alpha Race of Men Known as Actors). It is not known what he is doing in Springdale or how long he plans to stay.
We certainly hope it’s a while; reports of medical miracles have been flooding in.
“He cured my fibromyalgia,” says Luisa Fonseca, librarian at the Springdale Public Library (Leafy Branch).
And get this: Ronald Golly is walking.
“Hollywood be praised! Thank you, acting!” says Ronald, “It was a yawn from Devon–from Mr. Hambrone, and then his body guard yawned and the smell from that body guard’s breakfast toast jelly touched my nose. It was rasberry. Rasberry I can RUN to!”
The people of Springdale are certainly lucky. To have a little slice of Hollywood right here in our own backyard is something special–but take heed! Let us all exercise caution to ensure that Devon does not catch us napping. Wear your best clothes! Grab your little dogs! If you have recorded Carcrashian episodes, watch them! Take notes! May Hollywood guide us home and may we all reside there when we pass!