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Category: Emails

RE: 5001234 model b

Mr. Rulopik,

I apologize for the thoroughbredidity of our well-reared laptys, but when the facts have to be faced the freedom needs to be free. Your computer is a horse. 3.3 GHz per second at 50+ miles per hour. You should count yourself lucky–that’s fast. You can’t pen that kind of speed.

Having said that, I do have to second your decision to move to one of our v models. The pheromones emitted from our adapters will override any urge for freedom, guaranteed. It also spikes the testosterone levels of your computer horse to ensure  maximum Io-matic turbo boost and superb hyper-compatibility. He’ll be eating out of your hands in no time flat.

Volleyball rigging is man’s work. On behalf of Ion and your trophies, we’d like to appreciate you skillful rigs. Hit me.

Mild Salutes,

Ronny Sporks
Specialist Executive Man
PC Computers

hamru3@ion.com
800 FOR COMPS
Ion Systems, the makers of Rollo Dog!
9508 E Park St
Texas, TX 76110

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5001234 model b

Dear Ion Specialist,

I did what your Ion Workhorse stallion 5001234 model b said to do in its gruffy stallion voice when it ran out of plain 5 mil gruffy buff-butter ink and now my printer done run off. What do you suggest I do to entice my Ion model b back? While stepping through the troubleshooting guide it suggests upgrading to the wireless mare 5000123 model v adapter. But what do I do with the adapter until the stallion model b gets back? I can’t put it on the shelf because I’ve got my trophies up there.

Oh, what are the trophies for you ask? Well I’m the best sand volleyball net rigger that this generation has seen with awards to prove it.

That you for your assistance in printing my awards.

Objectfully,

Hamspringer Rulopik III

RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Help

Mr. Gorvin,

We are not affiliated or associated or acclimated to Neiman Marcus in any way, shape, or form of a shape. We do, however, apologize for anything they have done, are doing, or will do. Sorry.

That’s a good thing, because Ion doesn’t support dead pigs. How many bees? That could be your problem. An overcrowded pig can ruin the ventilation inside of it. Please count them and let’s take this offline. We don’t even support dead pigs with a reasonable number of bees living inside of it. However, I’m will help for honey. That stuff is expensive at Neiman Marcus.

Sticks and Stones,

Ronny Sporks
Specialist Executive Man
PC Computers

Iheartclax@ion.com
800 FOR COMPS
Ion Systems, the makers of Rollo Dog!
9508 E Park St
Texas, TX 76110

RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Help

Ronny,

Who are you, nieman marcus/? It turns out it wasn’t a laptop at all, but a dead pig in the woods in which bees had built a home. Don’t I feel silly. Tell your poison buddies sorry for wasting their time and thank them for serving our proud nation. Their sacrifice will never be forgotten.

My pappy can’t talk, he’s the moon.

Where is my beer,

Clax Gorvin
I Can’t Find my Beer
800.I.THINK.I.LEFT.IT.ON.THE.TRASH.CAN.AT.THE.MCDONALDS.DRIVE.THRU

RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Help

Mr. Gorvin,

My apologies for the bees. And the poison. Unfortunately, here at Ion, we don’t support bees. Or poison. You’ll have to remove the bees and the poison from your computer before we can service it. Unfortunately, we don’t support fingerprints either. Or dust of any kind. Spittle. I don’t know what you do on your lunch breaks, but we don’t support that, either. Sicko. Air buildup. We don’t support that. Traces of carbon monoxide will have to be removed. Unfortunately we do not support cotton fibers or cleaning fluids/residues of any kind. Also, we don’t support vision. If you could please close your eyes and void your laptop of all these foreign materials, then we can help you service your laptop.

Tell your pappy I said thanks but no thanks. Then tell him to shine on someone else’s lawn. I’m through. It’s over. The moon is a decent man, but when it comes to feelings, to being human, he outright sucks. I didn’t mean to say that about your dad. Maybe we’re just not meant to be, the moon and I.

I love you like a son.

Pork Chop Sandwiches,

Ronny Sporks
Specialist Executive Man
PC Computers

Iheartclax@ion.com
800 FOR COMPS
Ion Systems, the makers of Rollo Dog!
9508 E Park St
Texas, TX 76110

RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Help

Who are you, ronadl Reagan???/ I’m talking about bees here.  Thousands, maybe dozens of thousanads.  Terminatox is a load of crap. Those guys just sprayd my computer with poison and now my fingers are stating to hurt.  Typing is now more of a choer than ever.  Each keystroke si like the wailing of a thousand nauseous souls inside of my fintertips.

My father said to tell yu to get a job and  comb yor hair and you will find yoru true love.

I logged a case with Ion on the bees, and the guy just laughed at me in a language foreign to this world.  Can a person laugh in another language? Or was it another curse? Can you check since you work there, I don’t want more bees.

 

Clax Gorvin
Grumpy Customer Guy
800.WHERE.ARE.YOU.FATHER

 

 

CYWW3TKGFYX4

RE: RE: RE: Please Help

A continuation of a the below post

Forgive me o inheritor of the night! Your father has guided me on many a journey and helped me spot many a sidewalk nickel in the very clutches of almost perfect darkness. Your family keeps the boogies in the shadows, behind trees. One complaint, though. I often open my window and bequest your father to reveal my one true love. Wherest thou?

Call Terminx.
800-DIE-BUGS

Best Lunches,

Ronny Sporks
Specialist Executive Man
PC Computers

Iheartclax@ion.com
800 FOR COMPS
Ion Systems, the makers of Rollo Dog!
9508 E Park St
Texas, TX 76110

RE: RE: Please Help

A continuation of a the below

Rob, my father is the moon.  How do you suppose I hug the moon. Are you mocking my family??? I warn you not to do so. I mocked y grandfather and have since been plagued with bees.  Everywhere I turn, bees.  Every time I try on a shirt at Spencers with a funny saying on it.  ‘4 out of 5 voices in my head say go for it!’ is not very funny when it is filled with bees.  Also I already have my entire guest room wallpapered with pictures of my moon-father.

I think the fan is haunted.  It could also be more bees.  The laptop is now overheating. It is either a vengeful spirit or a buildup of honey in the air intake.

Clax Gorvin

Grumpy Customer Guy

800.WHERE.ARE.YOU.FATHER

RE: Please Help

Clax,

We here at Ion Systems are simply asking you to love your father. Just give him a hug, take a picture of that hug, and print it out using one of our Ion commercial printers. Paste it to your walls. Invite your dad over for a candlelit dinner and baseball over bratwurst.

In regards to the laptop fan, blow on it you cracker jack.

Good Regards,

Ronny Sporks

Specialist Executive Man
PC Computers

Iheartclax@ion.com
800 FOR COMPS
Ion Systems, the makers of Rollo Dog!
9508 E Park St
Texas, TX 76110

Please Help

I don’t understand what I am being asked to do.  You are my pcr rep so please tell me what ion systems is asking now.

Also I need to replace a fan on a laptop please send it overnight so I can get it in time for fathers day.

Jerk.

Clax Gorvin

Grumpy Customer Guy

800.GO.TOHELL

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