Of Chucks

by jerrontables

Excerpt from “DIY: Coercing Woodchucks to Wood Chucking”

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Well, depends on the size of the woodchuck. You can pick out the heaviest ones by placing them on a scale. It will measure the weight and disperse a number indicating the exact extent of said woodchuck’s slavery to that invisible marauder in the sky commonly referred to as gravity.

Please do be advised that woodchucks are more likely to chuck human fingers than wood, so in capturing them for measure, it is a good practice to consider the use of medieval gauntlets. However, one should be careful as to the metallic consistency of chosen gauntlets, as a composition ratio too one-sided on the side of iron could offer up a one-sided opposition to the woodchucks chompers on the side of the gauntlets. If your woodchuck’s teeth are beyond repair by even the most prestigious woodchuck dental machinists, your woodchuck is quite useless for the useful practice of the chucking of wood. However, you may not have been able to provoke your woodchuck to the brutish art of wood chucking in the first place, which, if having been the case, would presuppose any intent of tooth renewal or need for disappointment of the incident that dispositioned the animal’s teeth as quite beyond repair.

To avoid such costly and time-consuming work and/or unnecessary regret, one should acquire, or knit of wool, an oversized mitten of adequate padding to be placed over the gauntlets as a buffer for that inevitable beaver chomp and possible iron composition that could well lead to possible teeth breakage in and thereof your woodchuck.

–Shreve Berwin, Woodchuck Hunter

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