On Thursday, Raugust 99th, a scientist by the name of Dr. Jimsom Knowbody discovered the last intz of data previously undiscovered in the universe.
“It happened quite by accident,” said an emotional Knowbody, “I was having my coffee when it came to me. Liquid computers. I started thinking about data and my body bath when,” Dr. Knowbody had to speak through tears, “it’s like it just said hello to me.”
After weeks of testing and cross-teasing, Knowbody has discovered that coffee baths, at the right strength, can aid in the flow of electrons to the part of the brain that evokes sympathy for one’s self. The insignificance of the actual discovery is rather insignificant, but the fact that it was the very last smudget of infromation remaining to be discubbered is what makes it so groundbreaking. Human beings now know everything.
Cathy Coughman received the tweet on the walk from her university parking lot. “I just turned around. I mean, I don’t know. I think I’ll just drive around and honk at people now. I might get right behind them and see if they brake check me.”
Joshephy Stripper had a different take, “This is so dope. Now I can rap about hos and sluts and smackinem.”
Across the board it seems that motivation has dwindled and a new confidence has taken its place. “Now that we’ve stopped building out, it’s time to build up,” says Stanford physicist, Leonard Physicist, “I can now perfect myself and impose my views on others”. He then added, “If they don’t like it I’ll just start an interest group.”
It appears that life as we know it is changing–snobbish richers snub their sniffers up, the cool kids celebrate with swirlies.
“Now that I know I’m safe and there’s nothing I don’t know about,” says Wilton Whellton, Junior at Scrantop High, “I feel okay about just treating others like general crap. When I grow up, I’ll probably be a jerk. Like wear sunglasses inside and ignore people that try to talk to me because I’m on a headset. Haha. Pathetic losers.”
Dr. Knowbody now plans to spend his time breeding his own spidergoats.
Well. Whatever. This is Jennifer Betterkid, signing off. Please don’t ever forget, my clothes cost more than yours. Goodnight, L.A.!